This feels so much better than talking to someone I didn't even know.

I miss you, Jess.

I'm going to see Chris tomorrow.

I can't wait.

I'm so excited and happy.

my fùckíng mother is yelling at me because apparently it's my fault that the date has changed so many times.

she's telling me to ask Chris if Alex can come any earlier or if Chris can come any earlier than 3 or 3:30 and I'm on the verge of crying and having a panic attack because what if I can't go see Chris at all...

I am so füçkíng angry oh my god.

I don't want to ask Chris if Alex can come earlier because no.

I'm so angry.

I'm still going today. It's just I don't understand why it's such a problem to get there by around 3-3:30

I'm kinda really sad..

I miss Chris..

I miss her hand in mine.

I miss her head on my shoulder.

I miss her lips being on my cheek.

I miss her laugh and her smile.

I miss the way she'd softly squeeze my hand.

I miss her arms being around me.

I miss everything..

dxmmit I love her so much, Jess..

I wish she was here.

I feel so alone without her here, to be honest.

It really hurt to walk out that gate..

But I'm gonna see her again.

I'll make sure of it.

And she said she will too.

I miss when I let go of her hand, she acts mad just so I can take it again.

I miss making her smile

and feeling like I'm finally home.

I miss her arms around me when I'm scared. On the Ferris wheel, for example.

I miss Alex's constant fangirl attacks when Chris and I said or did something 😂💙

I miss them both.

To be honest, they're my best friends. Although I don't know much about Alex, I know we're gonna become great friends. I really find her quite interesting and fun to be around.

The fact that I miss Chris so much that I cry when I think of our last hug really means a lot.

Because usually when I miss someone I'm just like "yeah I miss them but I'll be alright without them"

But when I miss Chris I'm crying. And I have an emptiness in my chest that only she can fill. And it literally physically hurts to not have her hand in mine.

So before someone tries to tell me that's it's okay and I'll be alright.. you should see me when I'm alone with my thoughts. And then you look me in the eye and you can go ahead and lie to me by saying I'll be okay.

Because I am NOT okay. Chris' hand needs to be in mine. When I'm with her is when I'm truly happy.

When I feel truly at home.

And it's stupid because whenever I'm sad, that's the reason. I miss her. That's the reason. And I kind of feel annoying whenever I tell her that I'm sad because I miss her. I don't know why.. it's just.. I don't know.

I know she misses me. I know she does.

I wish she was here.. I really do.

But next year she'll be sixteen and when I go to the fair we'll hang out and then once she's sixteen she'll be able to drive anywhere and she'll choose to drive here. For me.

I feel so special when I think about all the things we're gonna do together.

Because of all her friends she's known for way longer than she's known me, she chooses me.

Now I'm crying.

I just fxcked up everything..

Why can't I just tell her?

I don't understand why it's such a big deal for me to cry in front of people

I just- I wanted to tell her. I did. I really still do. But it's so stupid and I feel like a fxcking idiot.

I hate myself. I don't understand what's wrong with me..

I couldn't tell my best friend what was wrong.

Just because I'm scared to have her see me cry.

I just want her here so badly.. and that's why I'm so sad, Jess. I literally am crying right now because I want her to be here. I miss her so much.

The more I listen to that song "Favourite record" by fall out boy... it just makes me want her here more

I told you it was a stupid reason to cry.. and not tell her about...

But I feel like I'm so annoying when I tell her I miss her...

I'm just scared... what if she's mad at me for not telling her...

I shouldn't pretended I was okay.

I ruined everything.

As always.

Typical.

I ruin everything anyway.

Can't I just do one thing right?

I'm so lonely at the moment..

Chris had to go.. no one else will answer me.....

I miss Chris so much...

I'm so not okay right now.

I miss kissing her cheek to make her smile.

I miss lacing my fingers with hers.

I miss leaning against her slightly as we walk.

I miss having my arm uncomfortably around her shoulder while holding her hand just to make her happy.

I miss her laugh. In person.

And her smile is so much more beautiful in person as well.

Her hugs are literally the best.

I felt my heart race every time she looked at me because gòddámmít she's so gorgeous.

And the fact that of anyone in this world to choose from, she loves me. She kisses me and hugs me.

Her hand fits perfectly with mine.

Her adorable shortness is my favourite because she can lay her head on my shoulder and I can rest my head on top of hers.

Her eyes hold galaxies. And our infinities.

Her laugh could outshine the sun.

So could her smile.

I love her so much.

I love every little teeny tiny thing about that girl.

And the fact that she's mine is just so incredibly amazing.

Because I couldn't ask or even dream of anyone better than Chris.

She's mine and I'm hers and it makes me so happy.

So many songs remind me of her.

I could list so, so many.

Tenerife Sea, Kiss Me, Give Me Love, Autumn Leaves, Gold Rush, Photograph, Lego House. All by Ed Sheeran.

The Only One, Keep You With Me, Radio. All by Hot Chelle Rae.

Alone Together, Young Volcanoes, Save Rock N Roll, Sugar We're Goin Down. All by Fall Out Boy.

I Miss You by blink-182, Livin' On A Prayer by Bon Jovi, Wanted Dead Or Alive also by Bon Jovi.

The Reason by Hoobastank

With Me by Sum 41

Fallen Angel by Three Days Grace

That's only what I can think of right now.

I just love her so, so much. And I say it so much because I can't explain just how much I really do.

There are no words that exist that can describe how much I love her.

"The way it brings out the blue in your eyes, it is the Tenerife sea... and all of the voices surrounding us here, they just fade out when you take a breath."

"Cover me up.. cuddle me in. Lie down with me and.. and hold me in your arms."

"Give a little time to me. We'll burn this out. We'll play hide and seek to turn this around. All I want is the taste that your lips allow.."

"Do you ever wonder if the stars shine out for you? Float down. Like autumn leaves. And hush now.. close your eyes before you sleep. And you're miles away.. and yesterday you were here with me.."

"When we were in school, listening to grown-ups. Didn't learn a thing, but then again, you know what? You know how to sing."

"We keep this love in a photograph. We made these memories for ourselves. Where our eyes are never closing. Our hearts never broken. And time's forever frozen still.."

"And it's dark in a cold December, but I've got you to keep me warm. If you're broken I will mend ya, and I keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on, oh.." (I really hope I got those words right)

"You are, you are, the proof that love is beautiful. You are, you are, the truth. Something unusual. You are, you are, my fire. You're burning like the sun. You are, you are, you are, you are the only one." "Days go by. And yeah, I've always got you on my mind, oh. 'Cause I keep you with me. I said your name. And I can't touch you, but it feels the same. Oh, cuz I keep you with me." "If you miss me like I miss you, through the airwaves, imma kiss you. Let's go, radio."

"I don't know where you're going, but do you got room for one more troubled soul?" "We will teach you how to make boys next door out of àśšholes. But tonight the foxes hunt the hounds. It's all over now. Before it has begun, we've already won." "So fxck you, you can go cry me an ocean and leave me be. You are what you love, not who loves you." "Sugar, we're going down swinging. I'll be your number one with a bullet."

"Don't waste your time on me, you're already the voice inside my head. I miss you, I miss you." "Take my hand, we'll make it, I swear. Oh, Livin' on a prayer."

"And I just want you to know. I've found a reason for me. To change who I used to be. A reason to start over new. And the reason is you. I found a reason to show a side of me you didn't know. A reason for all that I do. And the reason is you."

"I don't want this moment to ever end. Where everything's nothing without you. I wait here forever just to, to see you smile. Cuz it's true. I am nothing without you."

"Fallen angel, just let go. You don't have to be alone. Fallen angel, close your eyes. I won't let you fall tonight."

Those are all my favourite lyrics from all the songs.

Wow I know too many songs. Or maybe I don't know enough.

Welp, I'm tired so.. imma try to sleep.

Goodnight, Jess. 💜😘😜😄

"And I confessed, confessed to you riding shotgun underneath the purple skies and we danced. We danced."

I'm stupid

I'm an idiot

I need to stop.

I need to learn how to bottle my anger up.

I will not ever have her see me angry. Truly angry.

I'm not going to hit her. I'm never going to be around her when I'm angry.

Because whenever I'm angry, I hit things. And I'm not going to even risk hitting her.

She says she can adapt to my anger...

she can't adapt to me hitting her. I won't let it happen.

No. When I'm angry I'll walk away and punch something else.

I'm not gonna punch anyone. I'll punch a building or something.

I can't even imagine the hate I would have towards myself if I ever somehow hit her...

I already hate myself a lot because I get angry at her for no reason sometimes.. let alone literally letting my anger out on her...

People should be scared of me. But they aren't and that's just so mind blowing..

Fùckíng hełł why can't I just hide my anger...

Why can't I hide it...

She would be so very scared of me if she saw...

I can only imagine the way she'd look at me if she saw me angry..

A look full of fear.. disgust.. disappointment...

Fear towards me...

No.

I'm not even going to think about it.

Because it'll never happen.

I'll just try and turn my anger into sadness.

Sometimes I'm scared of myself. And what I could do if I got angry enough...

I'm done thinking about this.

I'm gonna go try to sleep and forget about tonight completely.

I saw all of her comments before she deleted them.

I'm not an idiot....

I'm going to cut again.. it's my fault... it's all my fault..

Not like she cares.. she said she shouldn't have answered.. I'm assuming she meant that towards me...

I'm tired.

I want to sleep.

Never wake up again, yeah?

I'm doubting myself. Doubting everything.

I'm sorry.

I'm stupid.

Why can't I just die?

I wouldn't be fine if she left.

I would kill myself.

Because I will not live in a world without Chris.

Not that she'd believe me

I hate myself so much. This is all my fault.

I'm sorry, Chris.

All the times I wasn't okay

All the times I lied

All the times I tried to make you happy and failed

I'm sorry

She thinks she isn't trusted...

she honestly believes I don't trust her...?

Really...?

How many times have I said that I trust her?

If I didn't trust her, why would I be going with her..?

At least.... I- I hope we're still going...

She said once that we can be anything we want

She also said she was fighting for me.

I guess not...

I'm a fool.

Did I really believe someone would love me? Did I honestly believe someone would actually miss me if I was gone?

My arms hurt again

so do my legs

My head is spinning

I can't breathe

I'm crying again

My chest hurts too.

Why..

Why do I always have to leave?

Every dxmn person I meet.

I always leave at some point

But why?

fùckíng someone tell me!

WHY CANT I JUST STAY?

For once in my god forsaken life, why can't I just stay...

Over 30...

30 new scars...

How lovely. How fxcking amazing is that?

I refuse to believe she loves everything about me. I refuse to believe she doesn't find my scars ugly. I refuse to believe anyone that tells me they love me.

Because who would love a suicidal, scarred, angry, sad, depressed, self-harmer?

Someone who cuts over at least 40 every time they cut

Someone who could easily break something if they get angry.

Someone who panics and literally forgets how to breathe

Who loves a person like that?

That's right.

No one would.

If only she knew...

If only she knew what my arms looked like... she's never seen them before.. not like the way they are now

I deserve every cut. Every scar. Every little moment of hurting.

I'm literally about ready to punch this window.

Yeah, I know, it'll cut by hand and arm really bad if I break it.

Which, by the way, I probably will.

she doesn't matter to me...? Really..? No. She matters to me... she does...

I'm only not answering because I'm so mad at myself right now..

and I don't want to scare her.. or hurt her...

She says she wants to be told it's okay

Yet, when I tell her it's okay, she doesn't believe me.

I'm done saying "please don't go"

because whenever I do, something else happens

a new argument

if she really wants to stay, she'll stay.

the fact that she can't tell me something really hurts

she doesn't want me to feel obligated to take care of her?

really?

I'm done.

Fine.

She doesn't want me to take care of her so I see no reason to be here

I'm trying to text her but they won't send

36.

Thirty six new ones.

Right on my thighs.

It hurts to take a shower, naturally.

I hate myself for doing it, to be honest.

But... when something like that happens.. what else am I supposed to do?

Shrug it off?

No.

Robbie's gone. I'm not going to just "shrug it off"

He came here through my window two nights ago and told me he's running away because he's tired of everyone here. He specified he'd miss me, of course.

He never said "running away" was just his type of saying he's going to commit suicide.

Actually, once I think about it, it was Monday.

Tuesday. I went to the hospital. 12 hours by his side while he was in a coma.

On life support.

He could've made it...

but his parents decided to take him off life support..

His wrists were fxcked up so bad.. but he could've made it. I would've given him blood.. I'm not kidding.

I miss him.

Hella friend I am, right?

If I had just told him to stay with me that night... maybe he wouldn't be gone

Naturally I'm blaming myself right now.

I should stop telling everything to this account.

because anyone could read it...

I'm about ready to break..

I can't handle this...

Why can't people just accept the fxcking fact that love is love. no matter what fxcking genders are involved.

I don't get it!

"When she's all alone in her room, she cries. The way she feels inside, it's too much for her.."

I love her but what if she doesn't like this and what if she doesn't want to be with me and what if she doesn't want to kiss me

what if she stops loving me

what if her mother makes her stop talking to me

what if she doesn't want to see me next year...

what if I'm crying because I just want to be loved....

without fùcking hiding it..

I hate it so much..

I just want someone to tell me they love me and they don't care what other people think

but I'll never get that..

to be honest, I care what people think.. but I don't let them control how I feel

Why can't I just love her? Why can't I have a relationship with her? WHY CANT SOMEONE JUST ACCEPT IT

She's taking it wrong I didn't mean it that way I swear I didn't-

I didn't mean to make her think that I swear

I love Chris. I love her for who she is and I love her everything.

it's only Chris. I want her love. I want to be with her. it's only Chris.. it'll always be Chris

why- how.. how can I show her...

how can I show her that it's only her.. I'm not only loving her because she cared... I love her because.. I just do. I can't explain it. So many things I can't put into words..

Chris, I'm sorry... I don't know how to show you.. I really don't..

I'm so mad at myself

why can't I just show her?!

WHY IS THIS SO HARD? WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE TO BE AGAINST THINGS LIKE THIS?

WHAT IS THE BIG FXCKING DEAL?

I fxcking hate so many people. I hate homophobic people so much.

I'm sorry. I do.

2:33. I should stop crying now.

I haven't slept at all.

To be honest, I'm tired as fùck.

But I don't want to be scared.

I don't want to be scared that Chris will someday leave me.

I don't want to dream about all the ways she could possibly leave..

I don't like being scared

Because I fxcking love her. So much. And the fact that her mother gets her to doubt herself.. I don't like it.

The fact that we have to hide is uncalled for. I can live with it, but it isn't okay.

Love is love and I don't understand why we have to hide the fact that we love each other.

It scares her that she wants to kiss me

I wish I could somehow change that

What if at the fair next year.. when I kiss her... she'll move away and tell me it doesn't feel right..

To be honest, I'm terrified that that might happen.

Maybe I should just not kiss her.. and wait until she does..?

I don't know..

Just the thought of kissing her first gives me so many butterflies..

I want her to be happy.

I want her to know how much I love her.

I want her to know how much she means to me.

But I can't show her.. and I can't tell her. And I just feel really sad because I should do something to help

I'm going to try and sleep.

Pray I get a good dream tonight, yeah?

2:40 my time is when I went to bed. Just thought Chris would like to know.

I miss her

And it hurts so fxcking much not being there

Because I wanna always hold her hand

I never wanna let go.

Ever.

But I have to

And it hurts even more

And I cry whenever I think about when I had to walk away

When I had to say goodbye

It hurt

It still hurts

I might cry

I didn't want to go

I miss her so much

I really just want to curl up and cry

I don't want to go to school

I don't want to talk to anyone but Chris

WHY CANT I JUST HAVE WHAT I WANT FOR FXCKING ONCE IN MY LIFE?

I want homeschool, I get public school.

I want to be happy, I end up crying.

I want to be there with Chris, I get to be over 400 miles away from her.

I want a kiss, I get friend zoned.

I want to stay friends, I get a suicide note.

I want a normal fxcking life, I get the total opposite.

I want my father dead, I get him still breathing.

I want to stop cutting, I have a brain that tells me otherwise

I WANT TO LEAVE THIS PLACE

AND I GET TO STAY HERE

I hate being here

I hate this place

I hate these people

I hate having constant panic attacks

I hate having my heart race when I wake up from a nightmare

I hate having nightmares

I hate eating

because I'm fxcking fat

I hate sleeping tbh

I hate school

I hate the fxcking thought of this school year

I hate not being able to talk to Chris during school

I hate my dad

I hate my entire family except for my mother

I hate all my "friends" at school

I'm so done with this shït

I want to just not go to school

But I'd rather keep my phone

I just..

I have panic attacks whenever I think about school..

I'm panicking right now, actually.

Honestly I just want to overdose or something

But I can't

Because I can't leave Chris

And I'm officially an idiot

I need to sućk it up

and stop making Chris feel bad for not wanting to go that far with me

I need to shut the fxck up and learn when to accept shît.

It's my fault

I feel like I keep stressing her out

or pressuring her

WHY COULDNT I HAVE JUST KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT ON LIAMS ACCOUNT AND JUST NEVER SAY HOW I REALLY FELT

BECAUSE IF I HAD NEVER SAID THAT I LOVE HER IN THAT KIND OF FXCKING WAY, THEN NONE OF THIS WOULD BE HAPPENING

IT ALL STARTED WITH ME

IT IS MY FAULT

I'm such a failure

I fxcked it all up so badly

Why

Why did I have to say anything?

It's my fault

It's mine

all my fault

I'm an idiot

I seriously thought that telling her how I felt would actually do something good

I just cried in the bathroom

while looking in the mirror and telling myself that it's my fault she doesn't know..

it's my fault she doesn't know how much she means to me

and it's my fault she doesn't believe me when I say she's important to me..

I kept saying "why can't I just tell her..?"

and then I answered it myself with "because I don't know how.."

and it's my fault I don't know how...

I want her to just be able to look me in the eyes when I say "I love you" and know how much I really do

I-...

I don't want kisses from her if she can't give them

and I don't want a romantic relationship with her

because she can't

and I respect it..

I really do

I hate myself for making her think all I want is romance and all that other shît

I want to go to sleep

and never wake up

I don't want to go back to school

I don't want to fùcking swim

I don't want to.

I don't want to be alive

I hate this

Grant is at school

Kalvin is at school

Landon is at school

Devin is at school

I want to just overdose like I was planning on doing last night

Because I can't handle this

I literally cannot handle swimming

or people making fun of Ruby and I for hanging out just because she's African American

I want to be close with Alexus again but she doesn't want to talk to me

and other than Maddie, she's my only friend. As far as I know, at least..

I dont know what to do

Maybe I would be okay with school if they just didn't make us fxcking swim!

I could skip out on swim with Ruby.

and then only swim whenever she talks me into it

but even then...

I have so many cuts and scars...

I- I can't..

I can't let those judgmental bítcheś in my PE class see those..

I'm tired and mad and sad and scared

and stressed

I'm extremely done

I don't want to be alive on this world anymore

I'm sick and tired of all this bull shít

I want to be loved

and needed

and cared about

But I'm not

I've been depressed for so long

and yet I just always act like a perfectly happy girl

when I'm not.

and it fxcking hurts because no one can see through my fake smile

I don't want attention, I'm not saying that

what I do what is for someone to ask me if I'm okay

I want someone to hug me and tell me it's going to be okay

it hurts. a lot.

no one cares

Chris is probably mad about the stupid bio on Instagram

Maddie is mad at me for who knows what

I hate this

And Chris is hurt

HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO FXCKING KNOW THAT?

IM NOT FREAKING THERE

I CANT HELP

I'm worthless.

and useless.

if I died no one would care

Two nights in a row this week I have seriously considered taking that entire bottle of sleeping pills

and I just might do it

no one would care

Clinton would probably be happy because to be honest he probably doesn't even consider us as friends

Ragean and Alexus wouldn't even notice

Chris wouldn't have to worry about me anymore

and she wouldn't have to have me as such a burden on her shoulders anymore

my dad would dance on my fxcking grave

my mom would probably just cry a bit and then forget it

my siblings all tell me to go kill myself anyway so

no one at school would notice I was gone

no other family would even care

she matters.

my god, she matters so much to me

but I don't see how she could miss me.. I don't see how-

I don't see how she even cares about me..

I'm constantly scared that she'll just leave one day...

I don't know what to do..

I'm sorry...

I'm so fxcking sorry...

if she ran here I'd probably break down into her arms in tears because I'd be so happy

but that wouldn't matter...

I- I don't know what to do or say or..

I don't..

I can't do this..

I- I can't.. I don't know what to do.. I'm scared and tired...

and now I'm panicking..

my god why does this have to happen..

WHAT THE FÙCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FIX THIS

WHAT THE HXLL HAVE I POSSIBLY DONE TO WHERE I CANT HAVE THE ONE THING I FREAKING WANT

I'm crying now, too

I just want Chris..

that's all..

I want her here..

holding my hand...

talking to me...

I just- I can't have that..

I must've done something to deserve it...

I don't- I don't know what I did..

I don't even want her in a romantic way..

I just want her here..

but I can't... I can't have her here with me and-..

"I'm trying hard to trust you when you say, "Give me your hand." Baby, I'm fallin', I hope you catch me when I land I think I'm in love again"

this song makes me cry

"I think I'm in love" by Kat Dahlia

dxmmit I'm crying

I don't want to fight with her..

it scares me..

I don't wanna say something to make her leave..

that's why I'm crying...

just the thought of Chris leaving...

fxcking hxll...

goddxmmit why do I always cry...

"we ain't gotta label, we just rollin' with the punches"

I'm so frustrated

why the fxck can't she just-.. I don't know... make up her mind?

it hurts because I already know what I want and I want her and yes I know I'm with Alexus rn but forget that at the moment

I don't know how to help her

I don't know if there is any way at all that I can help her make up her mind..

I know it's hard. I really do understand.

but I just don't know why it's so hard-

dammït...

I don't know why it's so hard to just choose best friendship or love.. I mean- I can't force her and I won't but.. I want to at least help in some way

I don't know how and it makes me angry at myself because I literally cannot think of any way whatsoever that can help..

it also scares me

because what if she just literally cannot ever choose so she just leaves because as long as I'm not around she wouldn't have to think about this stuff

and I feel like it's my fault

I don't know how to help

I don't understand why it's so hard for me to help her

I'M FRUSTRATED OUT OF MY MIND AND YET I JUST SIT HERE DOING NOTHING ABOUT IT

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO

Why is it so hard to just choose what she wants

Fxck that was mean, dxmmit

And that was me not thinking before I fxcking hit send

wowww im an asshxle

I don't know anymore

I'm frustrated and scared and stressed and really mad

I don't know why I'm mad

I don't know how to make her believe that she makes me happy..

so very freaking happy...

I don't know how to prove to her that she has always kept me happy. no matter what.

and I feel so bad because I don't think she would ever believe me..

I don't know what else to write.. so...

I'm just sorry, I suppose

I think I'm sick and tired of being hurt

and scared

I don't understand anything anymore..

I- I want..

..nevermind..

I just- I want to- I mean-... dxmmit why is this so hard..

I'm fxcking terrified, that's why it's so hard

I don't want anyone to know what I want...

Because I'm scared that it isn't what Chris wants..

I know exactly what I want I just- can't say it...

I want to say what I want..

but I can't..

I want to randomly kiss her to make her smile. I want to hug her to make her happy. I want cuddles in the backseat of an impala. I want intimacy but at the same time I just wanna hold hands. I don't want a label like "girlfriend" but I don't want to be "just friends". I want her to be happy with what I want and I want her to want what I want but she doesn't and she can't and I don't know what to do because I feel like she'll never want anything of what I want. I want to be with her but she can't be with me. I want her.. But she doesn't want me.. And I don't know how to explain what I want any better than this.

I'm just terrified that she'll read this and not want to even see me anymore because I basically want the opposite of what she wants and gxdxmmit why am I like this...?

"Tell me. Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated? I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else, it gets me frustrated. Life's like this...." This stupid song reminds me of myself..

I made everything so much more complicated for others

I hate it

I hate myself

I'm such an idiot

Making everything so complicated...

I'm an idiot for actually hitting send when I wrote about what I wanted...

When will I be done?

When will I be done crying every night because I just want something to go my way for once?

When will I be done crying at 3 in the morning about how I'll never be loved?

When will I be done having nightmares?

When will I finally agree with the fact that maybe I just won't ever be loved?

I just lied again

"3 or 4"

more like 9 or 10...

it isn't her fault..

it's my fault...

I'm so surprised I haven't cut yet..

I'm mad at myself now..

why do I always lie?

I literally lie so much that Chris has to ask me to promise

otherwise she just knows I'm lying

excuse me while I go do something stupid.

fxcking goddxmmit

what doesn't she know how to tell me?

I don't- I thought-....what..?

I hate that she hides from me...

I mean- I hide sometimes too- but..

eventually I tell her..

None of this is her fault though

what is "always" her..?

why can't she tell me? what's hurting her..? what's making her hide...? what doesn't she know how to tell me..?

I'm sorry..

I shouldn't have said anything..

I love her..

I fxcking quite obviously desire her..

and I need her..

a lot, actually.

I do! I really do! I don't.. I thought I've already shown it enough..

my fault

this is my fault

shouldn't have said anything

should've left it at goodnight

it's my fault.

I started this

I started it. it's my fault.

I should go....

I'm obviously hurting her in some way..

I'm sorry, Chris...

I knew I shouldn't have hit send to any of these messages..

WHY DO I ALWAYS DO THIS, GODDXMMIT

Yep, that's me.

The girl that always leaves.

Because she's always afraid she's gonna say something terrible.

or do something terrible.

I'm sorry for always leaving

It isn't ever my intention to hurt you

or make you worry

I'm sorry

for everything, really

"No one cares, Ivory. And even if they did, they wouldn't miss you. Who would miss someone like you? Complicated, ugly, annoying, piece of worthless trash. No one wants that. No one loves you."

I'm sorry.

I am so sorry

I can't-..

I can't even say I love you anymore...

I'm scared if I say I love you.. it'll hurt you..

I'm done

I can't

I'm an idiot

she doesn't care

I guess I don't either

she's better off without me.

she'll be fine. she won't care.

she's going to probably spam me with texts and probably freak out and then forget about me sooner or later

She should take Alex. Run away with her. It was their original plan anyway.

Forget about me. It's fine.

That'll be the best thing to do.

Act like I never existed.

Forget about how much I love her

Forget me

please, just-.. forget me

but how could I just leave?

it never takes me long to fxcking change my mind, does it?

I was only thinking while crying, though.

I guess that does a lot

it's hard to leave the one you love most, right?

I can't leave her..

how stupid can I get? I thought for a good 8 minutes(legit) that I was capable of leaving her.. I didn't even think..

I'm an idiot for thinking that

I can't leave her. never..

why won't she look at these..?

dxmmit..

I- I'm sorry.. you didn't hurt me.. I didn't want to forget.. I wanted you to forget me... I didn't- I would never forget-

GOSH DARNIT CHRIS LOOK AT THIS PAGE PLEASE

w tf I can't yell at her through Internet

dâmmít, Christine....

it isn't over

it isn't-

WHY DO I DO THIS

every dxmn time! I say something I shouldn't have said and then..

11:11 wish

I fxcking wish she'd look at this page

and these comments

dâmmít, Chris, if I come back tomorrow and you don't answer...

say something...

please..

I'm freaking out

text me

comment something

just- show me you're still here...

CALL ME IF YOU HAVE TO JUST TELL ME YOURE STILL HERE

please.. I'm begging you...

I don't want to forget..

I never will...

I don't want you to go..

please..

I don't know

I DONT FXCKING KNOW

I'm so overwhelmed and stressed and frustrated and scared

I'm so sorry

I'm nothing anymore, am I?

I'm just- someone else...?

Just one more person...

I don't understand ..

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS

I'm sorry...

FXCKING DXMMIT, IVORY, STOP. SAYING. SORRY.

I'm sick and tired of this

everything

I hate this

I FXCKING HATE IT

IM SORRY FOR BEING A FAILURE

AND A DISAPPOINTMENT

AND IM SORRY I CANT BE THERE

ITS MY FXCKING FAULT

it's.. it's my fault-..

Fxck it. I'm done.

I can't handle this

I can't..

I can't do this anymore

When she comes back I might not even be here..

Why did she have to go..

why did my Amrâl have to leave..

why-...

I begin to wonder what it would've been like if-

never mind..

I have to remember that she reads these..

I can't say what's on my mind..

it'll hurt both of us..

well- I'm already hurt- but..

I'm shaking..

this is so overwhelming..

and frustrating..

I should go..

before I say something that I know I'll regret..

fxcking dxmmit I want to say what's on my mind

but-..

I can't hurt Chris..

😞

I just.. sometimes I wonder what it would've been like if I hadn't ever told her I was in love with her..

I mean- we wouldn't have fights..

she wouldn't ever have to think that all I want from her is a romantic relationship..(because I don't.)

she wouldn't have to worry about ever even thinking about kissing me....

but I just had to say it..

I'm sorry, Chris..

it would've been so much better if I just kept it to myself..

I- I'm sorry...

I'm going to go now..

again... I'm so very sorry, Amrâl....

I'm really not okay

I'm scared

and I don't know why..

I just want to die..

no one would fxcking care...

Sam would just move on, Chris would forget about me.. no one would give a dxmn..

I'm scared though..

because I want to die.. so bad.. and I have no actual reason.. I just want to die..

I'm so sad

I don't know what to do

I cut between 50 and 70 yesterday...

I- I didn't know how to tell Chris..

I'm scared that I'll do it again..

I'm trying not to, I swear..

so many songs are playing in my head right now

especially wanted and shut up and dance

I can't leave Chris.. I just can't.. I need to fxcking stop being stupid...

but it's so hard to stop

I don't- I don't know how to quit

I may or may not be crying

I'm scared she's going to ask "how are you"

or "scale check"..

because that's when I can't lie to her

and I don't like lying

but I hate when I have to tell her that I'm not okay

because then she worries..

and she blames herself..

and- I hate it when that happens..

I shouldn't have even came here..

because I know she's gonna read them..

dxmmit..

oh sigh.

Him and his stupid laugh that makes my heart melt..

his hugs that make me get butterflies..

his smile that in return makes me smile..

those arms that so easily fit around me... his fxcking hugs, man.. they're the dxmn best..

his hair that he lets me play with..

his necklace that I fixed for him a year ago..

his trust that he so easily gave me..

his look of happiness when I tell him I'm okay..

and his look of depression when I tell him I'm not okay.. it just makes me believe he really cares..

I love that stupid boy..

I fxcking love him so much..

I can't have him though... I can't-..

I know he isn't okay.. I can see it in his face when he tries to smile..

I just haven't talked to him in so long.. I forgot how to ask him how he's doing..

I just.. I want... I just want to help him be okay..

I don't know how to help him.. if I can't have him.. I want to try my best to be a good fxcking friend..

because he's been the best kind of friend to me.. I need to return the favor.

not really a favor, I guess.. I just want to return to him what he's given me

trust, loyalty, love, care.. something only one other person has ever given me..

He's amazing.. he's the best..

I'm so grateful I met him..

because without him, I swear.. without him.. I'd be dead..

I told him so much more than anyone but him knows

he talked be out of suicíde so many times..

and I've talked him out of suicidè as well

I just care so much about him.. and I trust him. I'll always be loyal to him. I'll always keep his secrets to myself no matter what..

I care. I love him. I'll always be loyal to him. I'll always trust him

I don't know why I came here..

maybe just to get that off my chest..

but.. yeah..

thank you for always listening, Jess.. I love you

Goodnight, my Star..💛✨

I want to tell her so many things

I just don't know how

because no matter how many times I type the message but never send it..

no matter how many times.. I always regret typing it. because if I ever sent it to her.. god, the arguments and "I can't"s would be so horrible..

she would have so many questions

I've denied too much for too long

I have too much fxcked up stuff on my mind

I'm scared she'll get mad

I'm terrified

I can't even say it here

because I know she reads these sooner or later

or maybe she hasn't been reading them..

I don't know..

I'm so tired of this

I'm absolutely exhausted

IVE HAD IT WITH FXCKING KEEPING SECRETS AND LYING

WHY CANT I JUST TELL HER THE TRUTH FOR ONCE

JUST. ONCE.

I would like to just tell her

I would absolutely love it if my anxiety and hesitation would fxck off for like two minutes

I have typed that stupid message so many times

it hurts

I want to tell her

I just could never bring myself to hit send

I'm back again

I think I've written the message about 10 times in a row now

And.. haven't sent it..

I also can't find my razor

But I also don't want to find it

I'm wearing the bracelet

and I just can't bring myself to cut..

I want to. but.. I won't. and I swear I won't.. but..

I-

I miss her.

I miss us.

I don't want the distance or lies or fights

"You're my end and my beginning. Even when I lose, I'm winning."

It hurts so much, Jess...

I miss her and us so fxcking much..

I just want it all back

During the summer. When we were.. infinite.

I just want the Fireharts back together again

But maybe I'm not a Firehart..

I'm not strong.. or brave... I'm not worth fighting for and I'm strong enough to keep fighting..

I hate this

Listening to sad songs thinking about her and how I just want it all back is killing me

I-

I don't know what to do...

I never know what to do anymore

"If this is all we're living for, why are we doing it anymore?"

today was horrible...

Eddie wasn't okay.. and he wouldn't tell me why...

Maddie called me a bítch just because I didn't fxcking wait for her to get her stuff because I was already late to my bus home..

Mikey won't stop trying to hold my hand and ask me to date him..

Alexus just- well, she's okay..

Clinton was the only person today that kept me smiling for a while..

I- am I losing my friends?

I mean- I know I'm not losing Eddie or Monk(that's Clinton's nickname)..

but I'm losing Maddie.. and I don't want to be around Mikey anymore.. alexus is okay though... she's still my friend

I don't even know if Chris still enjoys me being around..

I feel like everyone just doesn't care anymore

Clint and Eddie are the only people who seem to actually care...

I don't know what to do..

Jacob was being mean again.. so was Devin and Landon..

I smoked again today..

I don't think I ever told Chris that I almost got arrested last Saturday..

I haven't done drugs for a while now but.. I still smoke sometimes..

I'm depressed even more..

I hate feeling so alone..

she never even answers me like she used to..

she used to answer almost right away.. and it wouldn't always be short, chit-chat-like messages..

we're drifting apart and I hate to say that, but it's true..

I hate that we're becoming so distant..

it isn't fair

to either of us

I don't freaking understand

can I not have my best friend back?

does this mean I can't have her back?

SOMEONE FXCKING TELL ME BECAUSE IM OUT OF GXDDXMN OPTIONS.

I JUST WANT HER BACK

I just... I just want my Chris back...

I- I'll go now...

I-.. I'm so stupid...

I'll just-.... bye....

"Don't tell me you're happy, 'cause this isn't love... so be careful what you wish for.."

I don't think she'd miss me or love me if she knew that I sat in the shower for an entire hour thinking of the things I could write in a fxcking sùicide note.. or say to her before I tried to commit..

But now she will know because I just put it here so..

I'm an idiot for believing I wouldn't give up again

I think I should've cut deeper.. or hit a vein.. or... something...

It hurts.. because I want to trust I'll be okay.. and I want to trust myself.. and I want to trust other people.. but I don't think I can

it also hurts that Eddie doesn't want to talk to me

it hurts that maddie is being such a bítçh to me

it hurts that I'm still breathing

because I don't deserve to be

I don't understand why I'm here

because I'm obviously a mistake.

I only say that because it's true...

I-.. never mind..

I just want to be okay

but I'm not

and I'm not strong enough to fight

I'm not brave enough to keep going

and yet I would commit suícide just like that..

I don't believe anyone would care

and so this is where I end it, right? I say goodnight to an empty account again, right?

of course.. I have to say goodnight again.

I love you, Jess. Goodnight.. and I hope you're having fun.. wherever you are..❤️✨

I'm not mad

no one is more important than she is.

I thought I had made that clear..

I didn't know she was lonely

I wish she told me she was lonely

I would've Skyped or FaceTimed her

I'm not a good friend.. or sister..

she never bothers me...

whenever she writes me, it makes me happy to see her name pop up..

I wish I could show her just how important she is to me..

I love her so much I swear to god I don't know what to do anymore

I'm just sorry, Amrâl, for making you feel lonely. I didn't mean to.

I love you, Chris. Goodnight, I suppose..

my chest hurts

I can barely breathe because I can't stop crying

why did I have to say those things to her? why did I have to get angry?

I can barely see the screen..

I can't let go

I can't say goodbye..

but she said it.. and she meant it... she'll never answer me again..

and she has every right to never talk to me again

I just-

all the things I never said

"I'm still in love with you. it's always been you. I never changed my mind. I've denied it because it hurt. but it's the truth. I still love you. always will."

there it is

the message I'd "never hit send" for

well

there it is...

no point now..

she hates me...

she doesn't want to talk to me or ever come back.

I'm sorry, my beautiful Amrâl, for all the trouble I've fxcking caused.

for all the pain

I'm so very sorry

I don't understand what I did to deserve this

she was literally everything to me

and she was my world

she told me goodbye..

and I'm broken because of it

what did I do last night?

why did she say goodbye...

I was in the nurse almost all day today at school because I had a breakdown in the middle of class and then many panic attacks in the nurse's office

I don't understand

what did I do, Chris..?

why do I deserve this?

what did I say? what happened last night that made you say goodbye to me..?

I thought I had a future. I thought I was loved. I thought I had finally found someone that wouldn't leave me

but, oh lord behold, of course I was wrong

and I want to know what I did

she probably muted me on Instagram

and deleted my number

or blocked my number

I can't call her.. she wouldn't ever answer me

I could write her a million messages on Instagram and she wouldn't see any of them

she said she was scared that I would leave and that she was scared I'd say goodbye and she was scared that i wouldn't ever talk to her again

she did that to me.

I would've never done that to her.

I'm sorry I wasn't good enough

I'm broken but I'll act okay

she doesn't miss me. does she?

she's perfectly fine without me

she won't write me on Halloween...

I won't get a text..

I don't know why I can't learn to let the fxck go

but I can't

I love her so much

but no matter how many things she'll tag me in, no matter how many times she's tried to tell me she cares.. I can't believe it.

she said goodbye. even if she took it back in the end...

she proved to me that she is fully capable of saying goodbye and meaning it

she promised she'd never say goodbye and I even remember her saying at one point that she could never bring herself to saying goodbye

she proved herself wrong..

I kindave hope she doesn't see this.. even though I know she will

I just-..

goodnight...