I'm quite. I distance myself. I don't walk with my friends in the hallways. They say to me "how will I survive without you next year?" I'll say "the same way you did before you met me. I'm not phased by their sadness because I'm too caught up in my own. I mentally thank God for my life and everything in it, I imagine telling Jaiden she saved me from starving myself. I imagine hugging Tyler and Josh and telling them how much they saved my life, I dream about meeting Scott and Mitch and Kirstie and Kevin and Avi and explaining to them how they made me happy when nobody else could. I think about telling Nate my stories and how I related to his music. and for some reason those dreams mean more to me than real life. in gym I wonder how many girls have seen my scars, I know they're visible. I doubt my "friend" is on medication. I wonder what it's like to be on medication. if it really is difficult to take it all the time. when she talked about self harm I just nodded. I've been through worse. I see the three scratches on your arms but do you see the countless amount of both white and red marks on my thighs? do they see my eyes? my smile? it's all fake. and I wonder why they all make jokes about religion, drûgs, sèx, drinking, things I want to get away from. it's hard to be around the people you call your friends when you're sure they're either drunk or high all the time. I'm not effected when they ask "how are you?" or "all you doing alright?" because they wouldn't care anyways. I used to be loud now I'm not. I used to have energy but I guess I used it all. they tell me one day they'll find me something alcoholic to drink that I'll like. I don't want to drink. I don't want to smoke. I rather not get addicted to anything else, self harm is enough for me. how does it get better when I'd rather it stay this way? they ask why. I ask that too. I wouldn't know. I wonder when my thoughts started to become the voice. when "I don't like my outfit" became "you look terrible." when "I need to talk to someone" became "they don't care what you have to say." when "I love my friends" became "your friends hate you." when "I'm not hungry" became "you don't need to eat." when did "I" become "you"? I never understood what they meant by hearing voices. I know now. I'm not sure if I really ever wanted to know.