wow. yeah I totally understand all of what you're saying, and honestly that's so amazing that you got through that. it's so tough and terrible and life just sucks sometimes but most people going through what you have wouldn't know what to do. I'm so proud of you, karen, for all you have accomplished. I'm astounded that you've still been able to function and recover and keep going, even when nearly everything inside you told you not to. that's just so amazing, really. and I remember you talking about Tommy a time or two. he seems like such a great man, and it's sad he had to go so soon. what you said about discovering tøp and trees and everything is so beautiful oh my goodness. I pictured those scenes you described in my mind and it seems so lovely. what a great way to discover your favorite people. and yeah, same for me about tyler's songs about God. they're so deep and just absolutely beautiful and well written (all of his other songs are too of course but something about the ones about the songs where he's searching for God makes it really special). I really love the way you think, honestly- how you remember things and how you describe a memory or a scene, etc. you're so unique in everything, but especially your creativity and memories and your way if describing things, and I love that about you. I think that's why you're so good at writing too, you just explain and describe things so uniquely well.

^ and that's another way you're like Tyler. y'all would get along really well, I think.

that honestly is the most wonderful thing anyone has ever said to me 💛 And I've had so much else as traumatic that we just got used to; my grandmother and grandfather died when I was one, so my brain formed around that depressive experience although I can't remember it, my cousin Carey died a little after so that intensified everything, my friend from church, Mr. Joe, died of a heart attack, my step-grandfather Gene died the day my sister was baptized when we were all leaving and the wheelchair lift into his car broke and he fell back and hit his head, last words were 'whoops', my godmother died in a house fire soon after we were told we have to move from my childhood home, and the whole thing still feels suspicious because the smoke killed her, but she always had her cellphone on her, she could've gotten out if she actually tried, and they attributed it all to faulty wiring, slight hoarding, and her being asleep, my other godmother Mildred died after years of dementia, Tommy died, then his father died too a month after, and lastly my friend from my old church Mr. Ballard died in a car accident last year. He made delicious jams and such and always sent me my favorite apple butter on my birthday. I have 3/4 a jar left still; I want to enjoy it, but slowly, as it was his last gift. I then begged my mom to let me go back to my old church before another friend died. And when I went, I realized that my home there was gone, my best friend Drake left because the church was never the same after we'd gone, I'm pretty sure he had a crush on me, and my inexperienced self didn't understand how to deal with my feelings for him, lots of my friends have died or left, my house doesn't look the same, and from that point my depression and anxiety totally went detrimental. despite all of the deaths I've honestly had a very stressful and lonely childhood, and ignorant friends that could never be there for me, as well as parents who expected me to be the happy child. I've had anxiety all my life, but no one clocked it; I've had bouts of depression starting as early as 3rd or forth grade, not sure which, have always been angry that the people around me at my age were so ignorant and superficial, almost lost my ability to walk at ten because of Lyme disease, and fast forward now I've developed chronic derealization that hurts my sensory processing function, severe depression and severe anxiety, and panic disorder that is so intense the symptoms are similar to that of PTSD, and it took a year for me to tell anyone when it all hit into a severe level. The day before it did,I listened to Friend, Please. The world isnt lazy enough to have coincidences. After emotional abuse for four years from a 'friend' and emotional abuse from my two ignorant 'best friends' as well as a HUGE lack of understanding between my family and I about everything that always led to extreme arguments where dad got animalistic or when I was trying to cut an artery and my parents guilt tripped me into getting better while dad made SEVERELY irrational statements like 'I have an idea, why don't we go get a knife from the kitchen and whatever she does to herself, we'll do too!' I finally snapped because literally NO ONE was actually helped me. I've had three occasions where I planned suicide but had an intervention in the past six months, probably have about 700 cuts overall, and almost died because of my addictions a month ago. but then I got to see you and Anna and Tyler and Josh, and for once all of this shît was worth it. so, thank you so much. if it weren't for you talking on here about the tickets you'd gotten s year ago, I probably wouldn't have been there, either still hiding parts of myself and never being open about my love for TØP, or dead. Most likely the latter. But I'm here, not sure how to feel about it, but at least I can feel.

wOw I wrote an essay I'm sO sorrRy

why do I always do this