💕💕

thank you so much fren!

this is so good fren! 💕

ahahahahah, no I just meant my personal life and stuff like that (idk if you're joking)

ahahahahah nooo I'm not that creative

hmmm whatever you say

have I ever said how much I love your aesthetic??? like your edits are so pretty and calming???? I love

thanks fren

it is indeed

wow I mean, I dress like trash most of the time but thank you so much

awww thank you so much <3

I dOnT kNoW ahHh

thank you soso much ♥️♥️

thank you so much fren!!💜

thanks fren yeah they're not really fun

honestly, I call him pal and mate all the time, I'll probably stick with that

^ well this is actually not my friend, it's the girl who manipulated and bullied us for four years. she started to copy every hobby of mine. first art, then singing, then piano, then fandoms , then small things, everything, trying to be like me, trying to prove to us that she was worthwhile if she was better at me than something. I'm not the only one who has said that she tries to become people and that she's manipulative, people I don't even know like her ex and one other internet friend was saying that so I and my friends know we aren't crazy. this is a totally different thing though, she isn't my friend, was for a year but not after she turned on us, she was what made our lives a living helł for so long. she would hurt us then come crying saying she was the one hurting and that she needed us as friends to save her because she was so afraid of losing us but didn't have the early to treat us right. I think she has a mental problem honestly, because she behaves this way and does a lot of other shît things with EVERYONE. she's been diagnosed with depression but I think it's a symptom, not the illness. but no, if you talked to my parents they could tell you exactly how much emotional abuse she was purposefully in our lives, and how many times I broke down to them because of her. the time I told her how I felt about EVERYTHING she'd done to us, she denied it, then started threatening self harm and suicide. after that night ( which I was SOBBING in front of my parents, especially since I was actually suicidal and loved self harm and knew she wasn't even close to do either of those things) I started cûssing out loud and more often. I never did as much until then but calling her a bîtch out loud was liberating. it meant, I don't have to be the perfect preachers daughter because I deserve to be able to say this once. I didn't say it to her, but to Kylie when I told her all Kayli had done to me the night before. I now cûss 24/7 😂 I let myself go.

this was around the time my brother was blaming my parents for "about to have committed suicide" when he didn't have a plan or anything. depression and ideation go hand in hand, and both of their attention seeking and manipulative behaviors broke me because I had severe problems that no one believed in and only heard the attention seeking. I don't hate anyone except for Kayli Moltz. If you spent four years with her direct emotional abuse, you would too.

even then I don't know if I can truly hate her. when I saw her in person I'd forget my anger. that's one of defects. I'm not passive aggressive at all, I just forgive without anything offered for forgiveness. I probably have her a million chances, honest to goodness. I could send you the letter I wrote that said everything to her. I don't even remember the half of what she's done to us by now.

all I know is that, even if my memory fails, my feelings and terror are still the same, so I don't need to give her any more chances.

oh and lol at the beginning of the school year when I was still in it I wore shorter sleeves because I like fûck THIS it's their problem if they judge me (the scabs had healed, but there were over a hundred cuts at the same age and visibility) and no one noticed except møtherfûcking Kayli Moltz who gasped loudly and said Karen!!!! Your arm!!!! LOUDLY in front of my friend Thomas and in front of the REST of the CLASS behind us. I said I scratch my arm when I'm anxious because of anxiety and she bought it but I was SO angry at her for trying to make me into a victim she could suck back into her circle of trust. I'm not just reading something that isn't there, there were many other occasions during those first three weeks that she tried to pull me in as alike to her with a sob story. she's the kind of person who brags about starving herself to get attention. I literally did not eat more than 200 cals a day for a month and my friends and my parents saw me not eating and knew something was wrong but I didn't want them to care so I always played it off and I was always starving an Kayli would brag about her weight loss and how tiny she was when really she's just a short 115 lb person. I'm not much bigger than her, and probably lost way more weight in a short amount of time, and during that time had to listen to pity party moltz and how her ring didn't fit her as well and slid around her finger from weight loss she'd started since seventh grade. then when I said something about not wanting eat but feeling hungry cos that's how you get after a while but it makes you feel sick to think of food even when you're hungry, she tried to pull me in by saying all of these problems she had with eating and her depression and all these things that are minor and most of her weight loss was in middle school while she was athletic and everything she starved to lose weight while I starved to kill myself slowly. it was always things for attention and validation with her, in every area of everything. she's even cut her hair my length and dyed it brown after I left. SO glad I dyed mine pink, because that was really freaking me out. I know she did that because she liked my hair and how it looked naturally at that length whereas hers was kinda poofy and she hadn't gotten the hang of styling it yet and POOF! Karen leaves so let's dye our hair her color and curl it let her natural hair and be creepy as hełl!

idk there's just so much. so, so much. I'd never be able to write a fourth of it down.

i feel like we haven't said a proper hello to each other in a while and i don't like that so, hello friend. i hope you are feeling happy right now and somewhat content with life. usually that never always happens to a single individual, but i hope you're doing good at the moment :)

I really don't think it's a joke. She doesn't have PC right now but her accounts were aaaesthetic and -traaaaash- or something like that at some point

Nah the dude on the right is a member, its Ricky Horror haha

I know, right? When I saw them live I was standing kinda near the stage at one point and I swear to god his height mixed with the elevation of the stage made him look like a bloody skyscraper

They were still amazing. And I think he happened to be wearing boots on that day

Ahah yeah I know of her.

Ah, I'm not a fan.

thanks fren💜

honestly

I've tried. other things just don't work. that crisis worker lit thought I might need to go to the ER. I feel a little better now, just exhausted and very irritable (especially since my onE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF FINDING TØP IS THE DAY I GEt braces because my møtherfûcking brother got his so late and my teeth aren't that bad but we'd have to switch to another dentistry to get Invisalign and my dentist doesn't like Invisalign and there are only two teeth that actually bother me which seems stupid for getting a whole set of braces and I seriously hate them and I feel like they'll make me feel unclean and tainted and like something I need to rip off but can't and I won't be able to punch myself without it scratching the metal so I'll have to find other areas than the cheekbone and jaw but I don't want to idk if I'm having mood swings because of a minor concussion or if it's because I'm just depressed that's why it's so hard to tell because most of the symptoms are symptoms found in anxiety, dissociation, and depression and I don't know I just feel unwell and I'll just keep going going gone

but my face has gone through over 50 punches in the last 24 hours so I know if I keep like this it's going to be a lot of trauma and idk I know that if I punch hard enough on my jaw I'll knock myself out and I kinda want to try but think it'd also just make whatever damage I've already caused worse and you can't fix brain problems and idk idk

it's called 16 personalities

tHANK YOU

Ik, like, why is he trying to get involved

thank you fren💜I'll do that

hey um i called poison control and the lady said it could be potentially fatal but I don't have the strength to decide what I'm going to do with it, because I can't stop thinking about it but I've trying to distract myself all day and now that I have that answer I'm worried because I still want to take it because I still don't believe the lady from poison control but I'm small and 750mg would be enough to go to the hospital so I'm guessing 500 would cut it close and I'm just not sure because I can't trust my own family and I can't tell them, they won't make me safer they'll make me feel even worse and it'll be harder even then. I could always throw away the Benadryl BUT I know where the key to the medicine is now if I change my mind and I can't tell my mom to hide it better without her knowing I found it. I've actually found it twice, but the last time I wasn't having urges and I wasn't sure it was the right key anyway. I don't want to text my therapist because I don't want her to tell them. if it weren't for them brig involved I'd tell them and ask for help but I don't trust my parents even now and I have no idea what to do. I have it all ready to take but I'm just sitting and I can't decide whether to take my chances and be self destructive knowing it could be potentially more dangerous than dry throat, restless leg syndrome, drunkness and minor hallucinations, but I just don't. know. I probably shouldn't have read all of those Sherlock fanfics where he OD's haha. I read about suicide and self harm when I know I can't but still need that fix to help my imagination believe I could to myself, but I think it triggered me in the actual meaning of the psychology term.

I hung up on that lady, I feel bad.. its a choice to work for those lines though. I'd never be able to, because I'd let whether or not that person lives get to me. I could try a suicide line since I'm probably subconsciously wanting to Attempt if I know it definitely could kill but am still too curious, it's just not the stream of thought at the front of my brain so I can't hear it. my mom will be home soon but that'll make it worse. her protection is more like urge agitation.

I want to go to that tøp concert man but it's not enough to hold onto the future

do you think I should call a line since they've been trained to handle these situations? I'm kinda mess so I don't know how I could talk long but I need to talk to someone who is trained because I don't trust Nicole and Nicole is right to tell my parents but if they weren't such dîcks when it comes to suicide or relapses then I would actually tell them. I'd tell them and then they'd just force me to continue living at home, they wouldn't want me to go anywhere. I just feel like I'm making it through these major urges alone because after all this time I still can't trust y family, but for different reasons

I don't think it'd. be the worst death. that's what stopped me the last two times; ibuprofen makes dying a serious living hełl. these would probably be the same effects I've experienced but a little worse, followed by vomiting and bad hallucinations and knocking out and possibly some heart problem while I'm asleep. idk. I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of death

I'll call that hotline now, I'm more of a mess than I am usually before I attempt and that doesn't really bode well. I don't actually know all of my intentions because of my racing brain but I think it's subconsciously wanted me to die

and that's why it's hełl fighting it

sorry I'll stop bothering I just needed to get it out

I'm trying, I'm texting someone on crisis again because I don't think I could speak. I'm working on it.

ah yes, so aesthetic by scattering school supplies all over myself and laying down on a bed of homework and looking off into the distance is definitely my aesthetic

its*

I see where you're coming from, I appreciate the compliment ^^

okay so I'm okay in a slight sense of the word , I called my therapist and she couldn't let me go until she knew for sure I didn't have them and I wish I just took them because maybe I wouldn't have to go on and I wish that I would stop being stupid enough to let myself keep falling into these situations then never even actively deciding what to do myself because it's literally not my decision, I can't. I wish they'd just send me to the hospital and leave me there and so I could go through this without them , I wish I didn't know them and they didn't love me so these decisions are easier to make and I don't have to live for them and they don't have to keep making the decisions of whether I live or not for me I can't keep like this I want to take them so bad now that I've given them up maybe I'll find it again tomorrow I can't live like this the only thing I've not tried is just becoming a vegetable and I think that's what I'm going to do now. sod this

I'm not going to do anything, work, cleaning, helping, getting out of bed, nothing, i give up, I'm not going to try anymore, that's close enough to death, as Tyler says "the only difference between life and dying is trying, that's all we're gonna do." but trying really isn't enough at this point I don't expect to magically get better but I don't feel like I'm ever going to stop having episodes like this and I'm never really going to be able to overcome this and I wish I had taken it so bad I shouldn't have stayed is purgatory of decision like I always do, that's what my life is, purgatory, I don't want to keep waiting to either feel like Heaven again or stay feeling like hełl i can't

I totally understand that, I never really understood why I didn't like winter that much but you've created the perfect explanation.

I hAVE NO IDEA SORRY FREN

winter for me is bittersweet, the holidays make everything happy and cheerful and of course my birthday is good too, but because this is the strongest winter we've had in a long time it will probably stick around for a while. it upsets me because the snow and ice become hazardous and get in the way of things I want to do.

thanks friendo💜

yeah I'm feeling much better :)

I was honestly confused for a moment because I saw "@plasticfishdistributor get your act together" I thought wait who's @plasticfishdistributor and then I realized my mistake

ahahahahah thanks dude

Thank you I don't know what I would do with out you you're so nice and easy to talk to I'm really thankful I found your account