I feel very overwhelmed even though I have literally nothing going on why am I like this, I've been so fragile lately, so sensitive. it's like you're holding a bubble and any sudden move will make it pop. I feel damaged in a way, like broken piano keys or a violin without a bridge. I use music to describe a lot of how I'm feeling and I think I need to just explain it in songs right now? part of me feels like camisado, relax relapse again. another part of me feels like trees, I can feel your breath, I can feel my death. another feels like play date, don't wanna leave this play date with you. I'm all over the place with my thoughts and feelings. also with sleep?? I've been having nightmares lately and it makes me not want to sleep so I stay up v v late. i have no clue what I'm trying to write here but now I'm just going to talk about fun stuff I guess. so Juno livestreamed on Instagram and I actually got to watch it!! I love them so much and the whole livestream was them singing and talking to us and beta and Fred and Jake were all there in the chat too and ahh it was so nice. they said they might stream tomorrow too because they're going to be with beta for his birthday! and I think Fred will be there too ahh I'm so excited.

also I helped wrap my dad's Christmas presents with my mom and she wrapped my presents too (I had to leave for that part) so now we actually have things under the tree. I'm slowly getting better from sickness so I'm able to sing a little bit better now? I can't go very high otherwise my voice cuts out and I cough a lot throughout the songs but I'm doing okay. it's frustrating because all I want to do is sing when I'm alone and my mom has all of next week off so that means these past three days were the only days I got to be alone for a long period of time.

I've seriously been contemplating actually asking my parents for YouTube because I've been wanting this forever, but I've never expressed the fact that I really want to post videos and such. I'd probably do vlogging and covers because that's always been what I've wanted. could you imagine that, me being a vlogger and talking into a camera while I go do fun things with my friends or family or whatever I want this so bad ahhh. I would probably need to get an actual camera to film with because I mean all I have is an I phone and I have absolutely no space to record videos. but the reason I've never talked to my mom and dad about this is because I knew they would say no?? I mean I'm almost 14 so if I would have expressed my want for a YouTube channel when it first came up I would have only been 9 or 10. I've been waiting until I'm 14 to say something about it because I feel like I'd have a better chance at getting one if I'm older. my friend Hunter (I talk about her a lot, y'all should know her by now) asked her dad for YouTube when she was 14 and he said when she was 15 she could get one and she has one now but she's not allowed to post videos yet. idk I might have a chat with my mom about it maybe over break but then we have to get my dad involved and he's kind of intimidating when it comes to these things.

idk but it seems so fun and the thought makes me really happy. my dad would obviously monitor the whole channel so I probably won't mention or say anything about my sexuality or pronouns or anything like that. there are people way younger than me who gave channels and they do just fine?? my friends cousin has a YouTube channel with I think around 100,000 subscribers and she's fairly young. he family monitors the whole thing so I mean I think I'd be able to convince my parents somehow.