Hello I'm a ball of anxiety because tomorrow I'm my ELA class (funny how my favorite subject is causing me so much anxiety this year) we're having a holøcaust survivor coming to speak to us and I mean yeah that's cool and all but seriously I don't know if I'll be able to sit through it without passing out I won't have any paper to make boxes on to calm my breathing or a distraction because we'll be right. there. I won't be able to discreetly cover my ears or walk out to go to the bathroom, Mrs. Scott would probably yell at me if I tried to leave. I had an anxiety attack at school on Thursday because of a presentation the gym teachers were giving about HÎV and AÎDS which lead to me almost crying multiple times during fourth period and at lunch, that's not even close to what Petè will be talking about. He'll be giving gràphic descriptions about how his family dîed and what happened in the camps and I can't deal with that I don't know what to do. I need to tell my mom or something but I don't think she'll let me stay home or come to pick me up, she's getting tired of it I can tell by the way she talks about it. She tells me everything will be okay just so I won't be a burden to her with my anxiety. She says I can handle it but I can't I can't ever handle anything because I'm weak. I'm weak and dependent on others to decide for me because I can't make decisions on my own. The voices have helped decide for me sometimes but they usually don't pick the best of decisions. So I can either say something now, or tomorrow morning, or I can say nothing and go to school, deal with my anxiety attacks and possible panic attacks and most likely passing out in class. What's it gonna be Julianne? How are you gonna fûck up your life this time?

this is probably waaayyyy too late and i'm so sorry for that. if it already happened i hope you're okay, but for things like this in the future i wanna give a little advice. if you're really struggling with this, i'd suggest talking to your teacher. teachers really are there to help you if you need it. from what you've been saying lately, you seem to be really struggling in ELA, with the learning material and how it's being presented. if that's an issue, i'd 100% recommend talking to your teacher because that's what they're supposed to do: TEACH. if that's not happening with you, if you're having difficulty learning or being in that environment, it's not your fault. not everyone can learn the same material in the same ways. and if talking with her doesn't work, i'd go to your guidance counselor and talk to them about how you're having difficulty in that class because of the material or whatever your problem/s is/are. everyone at school is there to do their job, which is to (1) keep you safe, (2) keep you happy, and (3) make sure you're learning.

in any case, ilysm and i've missed talking to you❤️