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and I feel like I'm cheating on her just by saying that but I'm not because Trevor refuses to talk to me
and- I still love someone who can't be with me anyway.
I just-
I don't know what to do...
Today is Daniel's birthday..
I'm really upset now..
I wish he was here..
I love him so much
and he's gone...
if I could, I'd die just to be with him
how is it that literally right after Chris leaves, a sad song comes onto Pandora and I start crying?
and why does that song have to be Left Alone by SWS
I'm a mess
I don't know why
I'm just really, really sad now..
I give up.
I give up on trying.
I give up on trying to fxcking understand.
I give up on trying to understand her.
I've realized something, though.
I know she doesn't support me. I know she doesn't.
She probably thinks being transgender or gay or anything like that is a choice.
And since her religion hates on people like me so much, she's extremely hesitant to simply respect only two things I'm asking her.
One, to call me Samuel. Or Sammy. She's called me Sammy before.
And two, to simply use any pronouns besides 'she' and 'her'
But, no.
That's just too difficult, I suppose.
If she came to me one day and told me she was transgender and changed her name and pronouns, I would GLADLY respect her and her preferences. Not even a single fxcking doubt would cross my mind.
I don't want to be here anymore.
My best friend is actually hesitating and "doesn't know what to do"
when all I simply ask is for her to call me at the very least, Sammy..
I just... don't understand..
And I'm so angry
I'm not sad.
I'm actually mad.
Angry.
Furious.
I don't think she understands why I hate christianity so much.
I don't think she understands how angry it makes me when someone simply brings it up around me.
It genuinely makes me want to bash my head against a wall until I'm dead.
It makes me that mad.
I don't think she understands..
No, I know she doesn't understand.
My Chris changed.
The Chris I knew was not like this.
The Chris I knew never made me second-guess when she said "I love you."
She doesn't know it, but I don't feel like she even cares about me anymore.
She didn't even care when I told her that I genuinely wanted to go to college.
She didn't even say anything except something like "that'd be awesome" and that was all.
That. Was. All.
I don't want to travel with her
You know why?
Because I know, deep down, she doesn't fxcking care about me.
Because I know she doesn't want to travel anymore.
Because I know she WILL find someone better than me, and she'll ditch me and leave with them.
Because I know if she was given the chance to choose between me and SM, she'd pick SM.
Because I know she misses her real best friend more than anything else in this world.
Because I know I'm just a backup, I guess.
I know I'm just a backup because she lost her real best friend.
I'm just the backup for her true little sister.
I know she still lies to me.
I know she does.
She has to.
She doesn't care if she lies to me or not because she doesn't want me around anymore anyway.
She wants me gone.
And I want to say goodbye sometimes.
Because I know, deep down, she doesn't want me.
But I can't.
I can't say goodbye.
Because no matter what I do, and no matter what I say.. I will always, always fall in love with her. Over, and over, and over, and over again.
What the fxck do I do?
Take a break?
Just like she did to me?
Tell her goodbye to make sure she knows I'm fully capable of doing what she did to me last year in October?
When she told me goodbye?
Her little "break".
I can't kill myself because I have my mom and I have Matt.
I really have no one else anymore, but they're more than enough because I love them.
I can't kill myself because I don't want to face Liam.
I don't want to see him and have to explain to him that we both left Amrâl behind.
I know she doesn't want to travel anymore.
I'm sure she isn't telling me that that idea was her and SM's idea, originally.
I'm sure she doesn't want me to come to the fair.
I'm sure she doesn't want to ever see me in person again.
It just doesn't make sense to me..
Why does she act so nice?
Why does she pretend to care?
Why does she pretend when it's obvious she's pretending?
I know that SM must have been her best friend/sister first. And then Alex is obviously her best friend, like, ever.
Where do I stand?
The loner who just wanted to help someone in need three years ago?
The one in the background of all the real friends?
The backup that she can't get rid of?
What am I?
And more importantly, what am I to her?
Honeslty there's nothing I can do to fix this
I don't know what to do
I don't know what to say
I don't want to come back but I don't want to stay away
I'm so scared
and I'm so, so tired...
I, uh, I cut again..
and...it was a lot..
like, too much almost..
and they're really deep.. like the really deep ones you see on those "emo" pictures about cutting..
I just-
I don't know how else to deal with this...
everything between Chris and I are so messed up..
I still want to go to the fair...
I so desperately do..
but I'm absolutely terrified to go..
I'm so scared to go because I don't want to hurt her..
I don't want to her hurt again...
"isn't this enough?.."
"look at where you are.. look at where you started.."
"the fact that you're alive is a miracle.."
am I not enough anymore?..
I don't amount to much..
I'm just- so sad..
I don't even know why anymore..
all I know is I just want to fxcking die right now..
my heart hurts
and my head hurt
and I'm shaking
and I'm about to cry
hurricane...
that's all I am..
hurricane..
hopeless..
fool..
idiot...
lost..
liar..
stupid..
I'm a poor excuse of a human being
I just fxcking hate this life
I fxcking hate myself so much
if I had to name the thing I hated most in this world, it'd be myself
I FXCKING HATE MYSELF
so much emphasis on "hate"
I give up.
fxck you.
good fxcking night.
I can't stop crying
what am I supposed to do?
WHAT THE FXCK AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY?
I just want my blade..
I need it..
I don't think I've cried this hard before
and I don't think I've ever been so hurt
never
not even what Samantha did to me hurt me as much as this
I might be sick
I feel it in my throat
like the demons trying to escape this broken soul
like my own demons don't want to be here anymore..
he's gone
and it isn't my fault..
I can't believe-
I'm not a Firehart
That name doesn't mean anything to me anymore..
I'm so sorry..
all I want to do is leave..
all I want to do is run away and never come back..
I hope I don't wake up tomorrow..
I hope I take my last breath while I'm dreaming..
I hope I wake up, and I'm not in this life anymore..
I just want to die..
this pain... this horrid pain..
I don't want it anymore
I might throw up
I'm so dizzy
I'm still crying
I can't stop shaking
what the fxck am I supposed to do..
I give up.
if I kill myself tonight, don't you dare be surprised.
this is the worst night of my life.
I want to cross out "Firehart" on everything I've ever written.
I want to forget all of this..
I wish none of this ever happened..
I just want to scream
I want to set every single sketchbook I've ever owned on fire
I want to delete every story I've ever written
I want to throw it all away
but I can't
I can't forget..
I can't stop..
I want to cut so bad..
I just want to end this all..
why the fxck didn't I end it so long ago..
I don't know if she's even reading these anymore
I don't know if she'll ever talk to me again
I don't think she'll ever want to
i don't think she'll ever think about us ever again
I don't think she will ever want to see me again
I don't think she wants to travel
I don't think she wants to see me at the fair
I don't think she'll ever want a hug from me again
I don't think she'll ever worry about me again
I've ruined it all
I've ruined everything
I know she doesn't want to hear from me on her birthday..
I've ruined that, too..
she probably doesn't want her gift..
THIS ALL STARTED WITH ME
IF I HAD N E V E R ASKED IF SHE STILL LOOKED AT MORIARTYS PAGE THIS WOULDNT HAVE HAPPENED
THIS IS ALL MY FXCKING FAULT
I GIVE UP
I G I V E U P .
THIS IS IT FOR ME
IVE RUINED THE ONLY THING GOOD IN MY LIFE
I SHOVED HER OUT OF MY LIFE LIKE SHE WAS NOTHING
I PUSHED HER OUT AND SLAMMED THE DOOR IN HER FACE
THIS. IS. MY. FXCKING. FAULT.
I’m erasing myself from the narrative.
"You're just a sad song with nothing to say.."
I'm so sorry
I'm a fxcked up piece of shït
I hate myself so much
I fxcking hate myself
what is wrong with me?
I'm a horrid person
an idiot..
stupid, stupid, stupid..
I-
I don't know what to do..
I've ruined it all..
everything.. ruined... because of me..
I couldn't sleep last night
I mean, sure, I fell asleep
but that was hours after Chris left
like, I think maybe I fell asleep at two
I'm so angry with myself
I hate myself
why do I have to cause so much damage?..
why do I have to hurt so many people?..
it's Chris's birthday today
I'm so proud of her
like every time I catch myself talking about her or thinking about her I smile because I love her so much
I'm so proud of her for making it this far
I'm so proud
I love her so much
I'm going to see Chris again soon
Really soon
I can't wait
I can't wait to see her again
She decided to give me our ring
(I wanna call it our ring. Not "my" ring)
The black one she wears
The one she had me pick out so long ago..
Next week I'll be wearing it.
Next week I'll be wearing our ring.
I can't wait
I'll probably start crying when I put it on
I've never worn it before
I cried last night because I was so excited to see her
And I'm quite sure I'll cry again tonight
I just love her so much
I can't wait to see my best friend again.
I'll be seeing my Amrâl again soon.
I don't know what to do
I can't stop shaking
I don't know what's wrong with me
I think I should delete my PC account
Delete PC forever
I can't handle this anymore
I can't handle looking at it every dâmn time I get on my phone
I can't keep remembering
I can't keep being reminded of everything
and I just might give up..
I fxcked it all up
I can't go see Chris
it's all my fault
I don't know when I can see her
On August 3rd it'll be a full year since I first met her
and now I can't see her again
WHY CANT ONE THING GO RIGHT THIS YEAR?!
ONE MOTHER FXCKING THING
WHY CAN NOTHING WORK OUT
why do I destroy everything?..
I can't stop shaking
what is wrong with me
I just..
I can't take it...
I just want to run away..
what if she doesn't want to travel
I don't wanna go to college anymore
that was just a really short phase thing
I- I'm scared...
what if saying "three more years" is useless?...
what if our promises mean nothing now?...
I want to travel.. with her.. more than anything
I don't know if she wants to though
and that scares me
that scares me more than anything
what if we fight again
what if I say more crâp that I don't mean
I just- I'm scared...
what if I fxck it all up again..? And what if that'll be the last straw for her? And she gives up on me?..
I just wish I could NOT mess up something
"Everything is blue. His pills. His hands. His jeans. And now I'm covered in the colours, pull apart at the seams. And it's blue. And it's blue. Everything is grey. His hair. His smoke. His dreams. And now he's so devoid of colour, he don't know what it means. And he's blue. And he's blue... everything is blue...."
Needle and the thread, gotta get you outta my head... needle and the thread, gonna wind up dead...
I'm shaking
I can't start crying
I can't cry
not now
not here
I can't believe I keep talking
I know I'm hurting her
I know with every word I fxcking say, it's hurting her even more
THIS IS ALL. MY. FAULT.
IF I WERE GOING TO THE FAIR, I SWEAR TO GOD WE PROBABLY WOULDNT BE TALKING ABOUT THIS STUFF BECAUSE WE WOULD BE TOO BUSY TALKING ABOUT HOW EXCITED WE ARE FOR THE FAIR.
ITS ALL MY FAULT
what am I supposed to do?
the only time I've left my room since yesterday was to shower or go to the bathroom
I didn't eat lunch or dinner yesterday
I was gonna eat breakfast today but took one bite and almost threw up
I wish I could just easily give up.. on everything...
I'm sorry...
I'm sorry I hurt you...
Chris, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've caused you so much pain. I'm sorry I've left you so many times, even though I've promised you so much that I wouldn't leave. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could go back to the very first day I met you.. and make sure I never treated you as awful as I have grown to treat you. I'm so sorry for that as well. I'm also sorry for all the times I lied. You never deserved that. I'm sorry I fell in love with you... and that I'm honestly still in love with you now. I'm sorry for never wanting to stay. I'm sorry I can't come see you. I'm sorry I've hurt you.. so, so much. I'm sorry I've ignored you and (probably) made you cry. I'm sorry for making you think I hate you. I'm sorry for missing all the little things you've forgotten and gotten rid of...
Which brings me to another point- all those little things. I'm going to tell you them right now.
You stopped wanting to say bïtch as our "Sam to my Dean, Dean to my Sam" thing. Which really hurt because we've done it for so long... You completely cut cussing out of your life and that might not seem like something even remotely important to you, but it was just such a huge (and sudden) change and it scared me. I don't know how to explain it. You used to talk to me in a different way than you do now. Again, I have no idea how to explain that.. I'm sorry. You all of a sudden became a christian, which scared (scares) me half to death because I was (am) afraid that you wouldn't (won't) support me or accept me or love me or even want me anymore.
Those are the ones I can think of right now..
I'm sorry...
I
I hate this
I hate it so much
I FÚCKING HATE IT
why is she so far away..
why can't I be closer to her...?
why can't I just hold her in my arms?.. I just want to hug her...
I was supposed to do that very think in a few days..
but I can't...
I keep crying
and I can't stop
she's my best friend
and I love her more than anything
and I can't even fxcking be there for her..
I can't even see her...
I'm still crying
I just
I want to be there
so bad..
I wanted to ride the Ferris wheel again...
"Maybe one day I'll kiss her. Out of nowhere. Maybe she won't love me then. Or maybe she'll always love me."
she said that...
last year..
July 15th, I think...
it just hurts to read that again
but sometimes I read through all her comments... over and over and over again until I can't read them anymore because my tears are blocking my vision..
but that one thing she said always keeps coming into my head and it wont get out
it won't leave me alone
it actually feels like this huge thousand pound weight is on my chest
and I can't move
and I can't even cry
because it would hurt my lungs too much
it hurts to breathe when I read it
like knives are in my lungs
it hurts so much
why did she say that?...
why did she have to say that..
😞
what do I even say?...
I'm sorry? It's my fault?
I don't know..
I should be there
I should be there with her
I should be on that Ferris wheel with her
I should be drinking sweet tea slushies with her
I should be holding her hand
I should be hugging her..
I should be there...
but I'm not
do you have any idea how much that hurts? how much this entire day hurts me?
do you have any idea how much pain I'm in, and how much I actually want to make it all stop?..
my cuts.. on my legs, they hurt
like I can barely stand to move my legs because my pants rub up against them
I'm such a messed up person
I don't even want to go to counseling
I'm scared to and I DONT WANT HELP
I don't need help
I'm fine
I'm okay
I'm good.
I don't need help.
and I don't want it either.
all I fxcking want is to be there with my best friend..
my Amrâl...
my Dean..
I'm sort of just... numb
I'm not sad
but I'm definitely not happy
I'm not mad
maybe I'm just incredibly hurt
not sad about it, but just hurt
I'm lying here in bed
the lights are off, my brother is watching YouTube on the iPad so it isn't quiet
the fan is on
I'm sweating and yet I have a huge fluffy blanket on me
my bed is next to the window and the fan is lightly blowing the curtains to bring in just enough light
soft light, not direct light
because the sun has already went over our house and it has decided to go down.
and I'm numb
I can't feel anything
and that feels dxmn amazing
I'm still extremely tired
and I'm hungry
but I can't sleep and I don't want to go downstairs
I don't really know what to do anymore
I've just kind of given up
on everything
I can't even cry anymore because I've already cried so much
I wish I could be someone else
with a different life
different name
I wish I could forget all of this
I wish I could forget everything
and just... leave
forever..
You know what's funny?
No one's noticed.
Not even Chris.
I'm having issues with my phone and stuff which is one reason why I can't answer or receive texts... I'm at my mum's house (well, my house now) and I'm on my iPad... but still... no one has noticed..
Doesn't matter though.
I cut again
Like an hour ago maybe
On my arm
But whatever
Just- bye.
Fxck this. Goodbye.
I've been watching Markiplier since I got out of the shower
At like, maybe 11:30?
I have nothing else to do
maybe I'll make it to 500 and stop there.
after that, I'll delete my PC account.
and I'll probably delete this one too.
after all of that, I'll delete my two extra Instagram accounts
and delete all my posts and never post on my story again.
I'll just use my main Instagram account as a way to talk to my online friends.
I'm done, honestly.
I'm done letting poisonous people into my life.
I'm done cutting, too.
because last night, at the concert, really honestly changed me.
I thought Ivan wouldn't be there. I thought he hadn't recovered yet. I actually had doubts about my hero.
But when that môtherfxcker came out on stage and started singing Lift Me Up, I started to cry. My hero was okay. He's okay. He recovered. He was there for us.
And I realized- he beat addiction. Whatever he was addicted to-since he wouldn't say what-he beat. And then I also realized, if he could beat something that serious, I could at least stop cutting.
So. For Ivan Moody. For Zoltan Bathory. For Jason Hook. For Jeremy Spencer. For Chris Kael. I am done cutting.
For all five of my heroes. I am done.
Ivan, thank you for letting me see how strong I was. And for never letting your fans down. We love you. I love you.
Zoltan, thank you for being the world's greatest bass player. (Right beside Chris, of course.) And thank you for being such a loving person.
Jason, thank you for rockin' the guitar. Literally. You freakin' rock, man.
Jeremy, thank you for literally being the world's best drummer. I fell in love with how I can feel your drums in my chest during concerts. Thank you for also sharing my birthday with me. You're the reason I love my birthday.
Chris, thank you for being just as amazing at playing bass as Zoltan. You two rock.
And as one band- as Five Finger Death Punch- thank you for saving my life.
Thank you all for showing me I can be something greater than what I am now.
One day I'll meet you guys and sure, I'll probably cry. But it'll only be because I love you guys so much. And I know it might be silly to say but I've never loved a band or a band's music like I love you guys and your songs. You're all amazing.
I know one day I'll meet you. I know it. How could I not meet you guys? I'll save up money for the rest of my life if I have to.
Okay, I'll stop ranting to people that'll obviously never see this. Just- thank you. So much. I love you guys. All five of ya.
Maybe I won't get to 500.
Maybe I'll stop at 499. Just to prove that I'm done. I'm not sure how that'll prove it to anyone but myself- but still.
And maybe I won't delete my accounts on here. Just delete my profile picture and obviously change my username.
Because I want to remember the day my life was changed.
August 19th, 2017, at a Nonpoint/At This Moment/Five Finger Death Punch concert in Springfield, Illinois.
I just might start crying.
I miss that concert so much.
And how could I not miss it? It was the best day of my life. I have no doubts in my mind when I say that either. There's never been a better day/night in my life.
God, I'll never forget that.
The way Ivan's voice brought me to tears. The way Zoltan played. The way Jason totally rocked the guitar. The way Jeremy's drums were so good, I felt it in my body, like my very soul could feel it. The way Chris harmonized his bass perfectly with Zoltan's.
I can't get enough of those memories
I can remember the high of that concert so clearly
even if it was literally only yesterday
man, it felt good
for the first time since last year when I saw them, I was around people just like me again.
Rock 'N Rollers. Stoners. Music lovers. Old souls.
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