cont. through the hëll that it is having me as a friend. i am aware that its my own fault and i need to get over myself and just be a more pleasant person but like still when ever someone describes me as a friend it hurts my heart because i dont want anyone to experience my personality because it is truly awfúl along with my overall presence. and i almost managed to go through my entire first year of uni without making friends and i notice that people instead take pity in me for always being all alone, i just cant explain to them that i am doing it for their own good and they should not pity me but rather avoid me.