{click} This is just gonna be a little update I guess. A lot is happening in my life rn. First, as you guys already know, I'm starting Abilify soon to help combat my depression. I really hate antidepressants and stress meds and all those. I feel like they do make me happy, but it's a numb kind of happy, like I don't know why I feel it and I know it's not natural. I hate it. I'm also going to see a new therapist on Sunday. This will be my seventh therapist. They all stop seeing me eventually, telling me I'm hopeless. In a way, I'm thankful for that. I hold on to disorder, keep it close. I don't like anyone who tries to take it away from me. But this new person specializes in my exact condition, and that scares me. I don't want to let go. I'm having increased urgès now too, especially self harm. But I'm so tired, so knocked out, that when I finally find a blade, I barely can muster up the effort to dig deep. I make small, shallow cuts that just make me feel worse, like I'm much too weak to punish myself with the necessary amount of pain. I also had a very weird dream last night. Ill put it in the comments.

ok, warning, it's kind of dirty... so I have this really cool record store by my house, and I dreamt that I went there with my parents to buy some records. I was going to buy one for Frnkiero and the Patience (Frank iero's current band). when I picked it up, something told me to go down the steps in the back of the store to the basement. my sister saw me and followed me. down in the basement, I found Frank. he had turned it into a house, with furniture and appliances and everything. when I saw him, I didn't hesitate at all to start talking. I told him how much mcr meant to me, him especially, and how much I connect to the lyrics and sound of his new band. he turned around and said thank you really softly. and then, a little softer, he said to me "would you take off your clothes?" I did it immediately, and dreamily. I lay down on the floor completely naked. he doesn't touch me, just circles around me. he asks real soft if he could take a photo. yes, I breathed. he grabbed a Polaroid camera and took a photo. he tacked it up on his wall. he looked at me and said "you're beautiful. really". he got up, let me put back on my clothes, and gave me a hug. I had forgotten my sister was there, until I heard the creaking of the stairs when she went up. she had seen it all. I said goodbye to Frank quickly, and followed her up the stairs. my parents saw me and we left the store. I didnt tell them anything. the next morning, my parents were sitting on my bed when I awoke. they told me my sister had told them what I had with Frank last night, and they found it unacceptable. they wouldn't let me listen to his music any more, and they found it appalling that I complied to his request. also, I was never permitted in that record store again. that night, I sneaked back to the store. it was closed, but I broke a window and went inside. I found Frank on his couch, watching a movie. as soon as he turned to see me, he paused it. I spilled it all. "I just wanted to say thank you for calling me beautiful. no one ever said that to me before. and for asking before you took the photo. I hope you understand that you are one of my heroes, will forever be. I can't see you anymore, they'll catch me. but I want you to know I love you." I said. he pulled me close and kissed me tenderly, before gently releasing me. he was silent as I left.

It made me feel alive, and beautiful, nakèd in his dingy room. with old lights and records and dust. it felt right. and what stood out to me was that he didn't touch me. didn't reach out, try to grab me or abùse me. just looked at me, like I was art. I don't know why yet, but this dream means a lot to me.

Maybe it was the side of vulnerability and just pureness and comfort of feeling safe and loved and admired in all aspects of you by a person who has been there for you thousands of times yet never physically there. putting yourself out there and receiving only love and genuine-ity, calm and open. it's really beautiful, you have an incredible gift for writing, I felt every emotion of that with you when reading it. A lot of my dreams take place in my childhood home- I often tell my parents that I hate going back and forth to that house, but they'll tell me that if anyone could do it, we could. They never tell me why we stay there. The preacher- Ash- he's out for the weekend, for the night, going back and forth between homes like the rest of us. Anything can happen there, in my mind, at 43 Newaka Avenue. For six months, about 3/4 of my dreams all take place in my past home. It's like a mind palace I can't escape from. Last night, I thought to myself in my dream that I would like to go watch the cooking channel in the living room like I used to as a child, obsessed with baking. And for some reason, I was abnormally sad, because even in my dream I knew I couldn't experience the joy of sitting in the living room, the half-sun window peaking in while he light stirred up dust particles, the table under my feet, rabbit hopping jollily, and learning about cuisine without a care in the world except artistry and comfort. And then, it'd change to a dream about genocide and fear, but still take place in that house. I can't escape from it; I never feel safe in my dreams because I go to that house for comfort, but my mind still attacks me there. It's all so real. I feel like I still live there for eight hours of every day. I don't know why I shared this but- it's haunting as hełl. Don't know what to do. Kinda hits me in the feels like your dream did, so I guess that's why I brought all that up, sorry lol I swear I talk less than I type. I just have speedy fingers. I honestly don't know if my medicine ever makes me feel numb, because of the derealization I have 24/7. I used to think it was the medicine, but it's actually the PTSD-like anxiety. Nonetheless, I know how it feels to live in that world of constant dullness and unreality. If I remember that one day I have to dig myself out of it, I'll panic even more. I have to look at the world as a game, which is obstructed by emotions. Rather an odd and robotic pov, but it helps. sometimes you have to make sacrifices to make it through, and mine is giving into my brain's ability to stop reality from hurting me as much. I'm really not doing well even with that though. I still feel like living and breathing is agonizing and I screen silently half the time because I don't know what else to do with myself. Sometimes you just have to plainly exist until you can feel correctly again. I know that the medicine is a sacrifice of true happiness and the feeling of control with the negative emotion, but if it can take you from artificial happiness to eventual true joy, then I believe it's worth it. i didn't want medicine at first, but I'd honestly be dead without it. the time we switched, I went back to having panic attacks around the clock and anxiety and depression so bad I'd stay up at night rocking back and forth because the air around me felt agonizing to exist in. The medicine can suck àss, but it can keep you safe too. And maybe you could think about the giving up of the depression in a different way; I've learned that it's okay for me to relapse, as long as the space in between grows longer every time. you can be working through this and still give in and feel in control with the negative emotions and thoughts. you don't have to give them up immediately. but it'll happen that one day, you wait so long to relapse that you don't even need to anymore.

I'm doing better than I was,we're currently going through the trouble of switching psychiatrists. I've met my new one and he's really nice and he seems to understand me so hopefully he can help. Thanks for asking though I miss you too

thank you very much fren💜I know I say that a lot to you but I mean it every time I really do thank you ily

I mean we aren't even dating yet dude

omg thx fren

indeed it is

it's a screenshot from Sherlock, on the Lying Detective. I love that episode but it's triggering as hełl 😂

ahahahah, I think we're going to prom together

omg you should so get it done. I've only had mine a couple of hours and I'm in love with it

mine was like £20 but it was only that much because the stuff was silver

*stud not stuff

a shop called blue banana? idk if they have it where you are (I'm forgetful, they have them in Europe) it's basically our version of hot topic

yeaaah. but most places charge between £18 and £25 :)

ty fren I'm okay now, my friend ended up coming over so that helped take my mind off of it but thanks for caring

yeah I'm okay. well kinda idk. I'm just really upset cuz my English teacher is a big freaking jerk and went on a rant about anxiety and how "you learn more from stepping out of your comfort zone" cuz we're doing an activity on Thursday where we have to talk and I don't understand how I can learn anything about talking from being forced to talk and he knows about my anxiety but he's still making me do it but tomorrow I'm going to try to talk to him and see if he'll let me do something else or something like that and if he doesn't then I will literally beg tbh cuz I don't need another thing to make me more scared and more sad cuz I'm already doing pretty badly rn with the anniversary and some other stuff so idk I'm just really upset rn

nah its oil pastel. thank u❤️

that's a good idea fren💜thank you. ily too💜

I will fren💜

yeah I'm glad it's better now too how long have you been dyslexic? yeah they seem like fun

I think I would really like it I love watching and seeing people's creations and ideas

I got tested kind late so I was diagnosed when I was like 10 or 11 but yeah I'll have to check

yeah school was pretty darn hectic but at least I'm diagnosed now so that's good :)

it's okay the only really annoying part of it was I knew no one who had learning disabilitys so I didn't have anyone to relate to so I thought I was just an idiot ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ but hey at least it's better now

thank you:)

yikes okay bye:) thanks for chatting with me

i love you too. thank you fren ❤️❤️

yep, NF is the name. it stands for his initials (which is Nathan I-forgot-his-last-name) but that's what he goes by in music. he's a Christian rapper so there are some religious topics in some of his songs, but there are plenty of fans who like him that aren't religious at all.

@comments thank you fren, i will. :))

thank you fren💜💜

thank you so much fren💜that helped a lot

thATS AMAZING thanks I feel a lot better this morning it was just a cruddy day/night I appreciate the comment also I love that cat and I hope it lives a good life

IDK HOW SOMETIMES IT HAPPENS AND I JUST HAVE TO EMBRACE IT

thanks fren!! it was amazing

I didn't go to the smithsonian we went to the national art gallery but that's cool fren! I hope you have fun!

oh wowie that doesn't sound fun :\ I'm sorry fren💜it'll be okay

I'm not going to lie I have worn a trash bag before (I was dying my friends hair) and it was quite a look 😂

probably because it was just plain I mean mine had splatters of blue on it because of the dye you gotta spruce it up a little