You know I can't help but feel lonely sometimes. It's not any one specific person, I just have a few friends who are doing things. People with plans who are acting on them. Don't get me wrong, I have a plan. I just can't act on it yet. And you. You're having the time of your life and I know you say you need me, but I can't help but think that you don't need saving. And that's a good thing. That's a wonderful thing. I don't want to be everything, that gives me too much power. Sometimes I just look and think "Wow, you can be anyone. Anything. I've got these rules that I'm absolutely terrified to break, and you're having the time of your life. And I can't help but think this is fifteen years and I haven't done a dämn thing. And I won't even act on it." You know, there's a song lyric. "Funny, you're the broken one when I'm the only one who needed saving." I used to think that in a way. But you aren't broken and you don't need saving. And maybe I'm not broken, but I'm losing that little spark again. That spark that says "Hey, I can do anything." Because the truth is I can't be anything because I won't be. Fifteen years. On my birthday. And all I can do is sit on my bathroom floor and regret the choices I can't make. Pathetic, isn't it? Everyone is so happy for me. I've got what I want. I've got security. I've got friends. I've got a house and parents who love me and friends who love me and my life is pretty dämn great. I've got my person. I've got my plans. But I don't have something and I know what it is but I can't get to it because maybe I'm too weak or maybe I'm too strong, but I can't get there. And I don't know where I'm going with this because god knows this is too long and all it is is a rant. My god, I should be happy. I'm fifteen. I've got a great life. A good future. I guess maybe I just cry too much.

You know what's really funny?

I used to have that exact same problem.

I figured, you know, one day I'll have a serious, world-changing, beautiful epiphany and the world will become clear to me. Then I'll know what to do

Then I'll be able to be happy.

My epiphany was literally a 15 second clip from an 'Honest Trailer' video. And it only happened the second time I watched it. Not the first time.

I don't know why. My depression has gone down to be mostly controllable usually. I feel happier. I don't know why listening to those few seconds of judgement on a movie the second time through changed the way I saw. But now I see. Maybe that's why I'm not such a serious, icy, or shy person anymore.

it's hard to think of you as icy and shy

You're my sassy little friend and you're wonderful and philosophical and deep and happy and bubbly and wonderful

Would you care to share your epiphany?

^That's my hope. That's why I told you that you always had a choice. I felt trapped by circumstances, so I changed how they were. Instead of 'I failed. I'm horrible.' I changed it to 'This will make me better. Now I know a little more than before.'

I made that forced positive thinking a habit.

Now it feels natural.