the more I think the more I'm convinced I'm not okay, and I definitely am not, but it's not something I acknowledge often. The other day when I dug up my brother's 3DS I went through the recordings, just to maybe hear his voice again. he always recorded bits of songs, for what reason I have no clue, I never asked, and this was one of the ones he had.

"I'm not trying to be a nuisance, I just think we can do better than this, that is simply my two cents-" it cuts off there. "you can, you can, take it or leave it," he'd finish because he loves this song. I don't think we still have it, but if I could I'd get his iPod and see what kind of music he listened to. it was a lot of stellar kart, I know that much. but there's little things like this song that was hardly popular that he loved and it makes me wonder how he found such a small artist at the time at least.

music is important to me, I wonder sometimes how important it is to him. was. I don't know how to tense the situation, I refuse to talk about him like he's gone, then people don't ask. the correct way would be was, past tense, but it doesn't feel right sometimes.

here I am spilling my emotions all over the place when I clearly said a while ago this wasn't a safe space for me anymore.

it still doesn't feel that way, but I'm passive aggressive and I'm ranting anyways.

you know what really hurts? when people tell you your feelings aren't real. why people have told it to me, I don't know. it doesn't make any sense to me that people would see my situation and say "you act like this is a game, you're not truly hurt by this situation."

umm yes I am bîtch why do you think I'm practically falling apart a year and a half later?

my parents wanted to go to the fair tomorrow/today but I haven't had a down weekend in so long. I'm exhausted emotionally and physically, I need time to recharge, that's how I work. but they don't get it and they want me to do things or my friends want me to go places and I just want to be home and rest for a weekend

idk I'm tired of this goodnight

hey, i'm here for you. ik this isn't a safe space for you but if there's something else that is you're welcome to talk to me there! i'm always going to be here for you, i may have said that last summer and i will say it again because it's true.❤️❤️