okay if you haven't figured it out by now sometimes I go back to old posts and put my rants there because I don't want to bother people with them so that's what I'm doing right now

sitting here in my brothers old room is nice but also makes me severely sad. I look over at the chairs and tables and I have recent memories of when I helped put them together. I look at the couch I'm sitting on right now and I have older memories, ones from our days of endless hours of Mario kart and super smash brothers brawl. if I try hard enough I can still picture where everything was, his bed, projector, video game shelves, all of it. I still remember that one time in the fall when bro laughed so hard he flopped back on to his bed and laid in Andrews pumpkin pie. I still remember "say something that's actually funny that will actually make me laugh." I remember peaking into his room to see what video game he was playing and timidly asking "can I play too?"

I remember "you got a golden star yahoo! yippeeeeee" and how he would always try to change the last two words but I would just sing louder than him. I remember all 600+ lives and 4+ hours we spent trying to beat the last level of super Mario 3D world. I remember our countless splatoon battles and FaceTimeing until 11:30 at night when we finally went to bed. he always helped me, everything from cooking ramen to playing video games. honestly I'm not sure if I can even attempt to play some of our old games, I can't do it. not without him. I miss being able to come up to him at church and say "dID YOU SEE THE SPLATFEST RESULTS?" or recording our voices when we were in the redwoods. I remember sitting down on his new couch and saying "this couch isn't comfortable" but sitting on it every time I came over. I remember "woof woof" and "hey juli how are you?"

I could never forget the famous "aw dad! you ruined the whole thing!" or "purple feet blue gassy skunk, choo toot, haPPY SMOOF" of course there was also the time he shaved off his eyebrows, that was quite a time. I miss him, I miss him so so much. I just want him back for a minute, I want to tell him I love him. there are so many memories that I've forgotten already and I don't want any more to just slip away like that. I need to hold on. You can see now why holding on to you and addict with a pen are my top favorite songs. they remind me of him, and I need to hold on to him for as long as I can. I can't let the water drain, it's all that I have and it's all that I need. I can't let him be gone.